Tomato, Rapper, or Stripper Name?

As you may already know, I am an avid gardener. Tomatoes are currently in season and while browsing at Lowes, I was shocked to realize that pretty much all of the tomato varietals have names that sound either like rappers or stripper names:

German Johnson

Why does this make me think of The Big Lebowski?

  • Better Bush
  • Beefmaster
  • Tami G
  • Mr. Stripey
  • Big Boy
  • Better Boy 
  • New Girl 
  • German Queen
  • Black Prince 
  • German Johnson 
  • Juliet Tomato
  • Black Krim
  • Park’s Whopper 
  • Big Beef
  • Husky Cherry Red
  • Hot Red Cherry 
  • Cajun Belle 
krim

Black Krim tomatoes growing in my garden! Ride or Die.

You can’t make that shit up.

More porny tomato fun: you can apparently produce more tomatoes by masturbating the blossoms either by manually jerking them or by using an electric toothbrush (I’m betting a vibrator works better, though). Tomatoes are the self-sufficient genderqueers of the plant world, containing both male and female junk in the flowers, but sometimes they need a little help mixing that pollen.

I’m making good progress in that department though.

What are you growing this summer?

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Comments

  1. My tomatoes bushes are the biggest ever (gotta keep the dirty theme going.) No fruit yet, but plenty of flowers. I’m afraid I lost the name, some heirloom Italian variety. Apparently pineapple guava is another hermaphrodite. Tickle the flowers with a paintbrush to get results.

  2. shannonhumphreys says:

    This is the best gardening article ever. I am going to find the porn-yest tomatoes I can when I start my garden next year.

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