There comes a time in some women’s lives when that old biological clock starts ticking. I totally get it. Babies are freaking cute, and the process of getting yourself knocked up is fun, assuming you’re doing it correctly. Pregnancy isn’t all foot rubs and ice cream and pickle sundaes, though. As a Certified Breedertm, I feel like it’s my duty to walk you through the 10 months (yes, that’s right. Forty weeks = 10 months, kids!) of hell that you are setting yourself up for, so you can make an informed decision before ripping out that IUD or tossing your pills in the trash.
The first thing you need to know is that pregnancy is an exercise in humiliation. It’s actually quite good practice for raising kids in that sense. While your little fetus is gestating inside of you, you’ll have about as much control over your body and emotions as you will of your future toddler during an epic meltdown at the supermarket. With any luck, by the time you’ve gotten that far, pregnancy will have robbed you of the last shreds of your dignity, and you’ll be far too tired to notice the stares you’re getting from other shoppers.
Early on you’ll deal with all the standard “pregnancy woes” you’ve no doubt heard about a million times before. Sore boobs, morning sickness, feeling sleepy all the time, and peeing twenty times a day. You won’t look pregnant, so people will just think you’re having some sort of nervous breakdown when you show up to work looking like you’ve just suffered a severe case of food poisoning and pass out at your desk, (or whatever it is you working preggos do). If you manage to get through the first trimester without any significant morning sickness, keep it to yourself. Seriously. Do not tell your pregnant friends. You’re a lucky freak, and the rest of us don’t want to hear about it.
At some point between about 16 and 40 weeks (my heart goes out to you poor women who have morning sickness the entire pregnancy) you’ll suddenly be able to eat again. Your boobs won’t hurt anymore, and you’ll suddenly feel like this whole pregnancy thing isn’t really so bad. That feeling will probably last you about two or three weeks. Enjoy it, because when it’s over, all hell is going to break loose. Itchy skin. I mean, scratch-yourself-raw itchy skin. Constipation! That peeing all the time thing is going to come back with a vengeance. Your nose will either run or bung up, probably both. It’s your mucus membranes going insane, and the last thing you want to do is aggravate them by getting a cold, but guess what? You’re the proud owner of a compromised immune system now! I’ve had a cold since New Years. I’ve done two rounds of antibiotics, and the only thing they’ve given me is two yeast infections (which, by the way, you are ALSO more susceptible to).
How do you feel about gambling? During the second and third trimesters of your pregnancy, you will feel like you’re playing a never ending bodily fluid version of Russian roulette. Each time you sneeze you will think, “Did I just wee myself a little?” About one out of every seven times you ask yourself this, the answer will be “Yes. ” I’ve come to realise that the odds are about the same for any given coughing fit I have resulting in me throwing up. One in five programs on TV are going to make me cry. Basically I’ve become a bloated balloon, leaking bodily fluids everywhere I go.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Man, that sounds sexy.” Which is great, because I have never been so up for it! I’ve probably never been less attractive in my life, but it’s all I think about! I spent two entire afternoons last week sat on my couch browsing Internet porn and eating peanut butter and cheddar sandwiches. I’d pity my husband if he weren’t the one who did this to me in the first place.
You will no longer be able to tie your shoes. I mean, I can, but not without getting really uncomfortable and whining and having to stop a couple of times to catch my breath, which is why I’ve been rocking espadrilles since March. The same holds true for shaving your legs and painting your toe nails. Trying to sleep is an exercise in futility. There are just not enough pillows in existence to prop up what I’ve become, and no amount of pillows will make the heartburn go away. I spend a good twenty minutes or so almost falling asleep and then waking myself up with my own snoring. After awhile I manage to fall asleep and then wake up to pee. Then it’s back to bed to lay there while the baby kicks me for a good half an hour while I attempt to get comfortable again. Then she settles down and the pattern repeats itself until morning.
Some of you will suffer from pelvic girdle pain. You will probably be told it’s sciatica, but it isn’t. Regardless of what you call it, it is (literally) a huge pain in the bum. I’ve gotten myself a pregnancy support belt to help with it. Sometimes it even works. Soon, the baby will get so big that all your organs will be smooshed into each other, crammed into whatever little bits of space are left in your body. Your feet will swell up and you will be so uncomfortable that you will be thankful when your water breaks in a really public place and small children look at you like you’ve just peed all over the floor. The end is in sight. Good luck, mama!