So You Think You Want To Reproduce

There comes a time in some women’s lives when that old biological clock starts ticking. I totally get it. Babies are freaking cute, and the process of getting yourself knocked up is fun, assuming you’re doing it correctly. Pregnancy isn’t all foot rubs and ice cream and pickle sundaes, though. As a Certified Breedertm, I feel like it’s my duty to walk you through the 10 months (yes, that’s right. Forty weeks = 10 months, kids!) of hell that you are setting yourself up for, so you can make an informed decision before ripping out that IUD or tossing your pills in the trash.

The first thing you need to know is that pregnancy is an exercise in humiliation. It’s actually quite good practice for raising kids in that sense. While your little fetus is gestating inside of you, you’ll have about as much control over your body and emotions as you will of your future toddler during an epic meltdown at the supermarket. With any luck, by the time you’ve gotten that far, pregnancy will have robbed you of the last shreds of your dignity, and you’ll be far too tired to notice the stares you’re getting from other shoppers.

Early on you’ll deal with all the standard “pregnancy woes” you’ve no doubt heard about a million times before. Sore boobs, morning sickness, feeling sleepy all the time, and peeing twenty times a day. You won’t look pregnant, so people will just think you’re having some sort of nervous breakdown when you show up to work looking like you’ve just suffered a severe case of food poisoning and pass out at your desk, (or whatever it is you working preggos do). If you manage to get through the first trimester without any significant morning sickness, keep it to yourself. Seriously. Do not tell your pregnant friends. You’re a lucky freak, and the rest of us don’t want to hear about it.

At some point between about 16 and 40 weeks (my heart goes out to you poor women who have morning sickness the entire pregnancy) you’ll suddenly be able to eat again. Your boobs won’t hurt anymore, and you’ll suddenly feel like this whole pregnancy thing isn’t really so bad. That feeling will probably last you about two or three weeks. Enjoy it, because when it’s over, all hell is going to break loose. Itchy skin. I mean, scratch-yourself-raw itchy skin. Constipation! That peeing all the time thing is going to come back with a vengeance. Your nose will either run or bung up, probably both. It’s your mucus membranes going insane, and the last thing you want to do is aggravate them by getting a cold, but guess what? You’re the proud owner of a compromised immune system now! I’ve had a cold since New Years. I’ve done two rounds of antibiotics, and the only thing they’ve given me is two yeast infections (which, by the way, you are ALSO more susceptible to).

This picture could not creep me out more.

How do you feel about gambling? During the second and third trimesters of your pregnancy, you will feel like you’re playing a never ending bodily fluid version of Russian roulette. Each time you sneeze you will think, “Did I just wee myself a little?” About one out of every seven times you ask yourself this, the answer will be “Yes. ”  I’ve come to realise that the odds are about the same for any given coughing fit I have resulting in me throwing up. One in five programs on TV are going to make me cry. Basically I’ve become a bloated balloon, leaking bodily fluids everywhere I go.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Man, that sounds sexy.” Which is great, because I have never been so up for it! I’ve probably never been less attractive in my life, but it’s all I think about! I spent two entire afternoons last week sat on my couch browsing Internet porn and eating peanut butter and cheddar sandwiches. I’d pity my husband if he weren’t the one who did this to me in the first place.

You will no longer be able to tie your shoes. I mean, I can, but not without getting really uncomfortable and whining and having to stop a couple of times to catch my breath, which is why I’ve been rocking espadrilles since March. The same holds true for shaving your legs and painting your toe nails. Trying to sleep is an exercise in futility. There are just not enough pillows in existence to prop up what I’ve become, and no amount of pillows will make the heartburn go away. I spend a good twenty minutes or so almost falling asleep and then waking myself up with my own snoring. After awhile I manage to fall asleep and then wake up to pee. Then it’s back to bed to lay there while the baby kicks me for a good half an hour while I attempt to get comfortable again. Then she settles down and the pattern repeats itself until morning.

Some of you will suffer from pelvic girdle pain. You will probably be told it’s sciatica, but it isn’t. Regardless of what you call it, it is (literally) a huge pain in the bum. I’ve gotten myself a pregnancy support belt to help with it. Sometimes it even works. Soon, the baby will get so big that all your organs will be smooshed into each other, crammed into whatever little bits of space are left in your body. Your feet will swell up and you will be so uncomfortable that you will be thankful when your water breaks in a really public place and small children look at you like you’ve just peed all over the floor. The end is in sight. Good luck, mama!

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More goodies from Shannon can be found here and here.

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Comments

  1. missysux says:

    I have a very similar talk with all of the newly preggo girls I know. A little too late I suppose,but no one ever told me,and nature makes u forget and want to do it again which is horrible. In my case do it again four times,I must be a masochist.

    • shannonhumphreys says:

      You and me both! You can’t tell from the post, but I get sad laying in the bath, rubbing my tummy and thinking this is it for me. No more babies and no more big round belly moving around on it’s own while I relax in the water. But that isn’t really as interesting or funny, so I thought I’d vent a bit instead.

  2. I don’t think I have a biological clock. I’m 28 and have yet to feel that “I need a baby, NOW” feeling. I do like babies, and plan to have one in the next few years, but I imagine pregnancy to be much like you just explained it, and girls, that I am not looking forward to.

  3. I still want one. I’ve never heard anyone with a scrap of goodness in them say after their kid is born, “This sucks. I never should have done this.” Maybe some women think that but if they do it’s probably just for a percentage of time. I appreciate the kvetching, but it’s worse wanting one and not being able to have one.

    • You can’t just go around openly admitting your baby is an asshole. It’s frowned upon. There are only two choices, suck it up or drop it off at the fire station. The trouble with the second option is you have to field a lot of questions. Where’s my baby? Oh, that old thing…. Babies are so last year. I’m really into pottery now.

      Just kidding! From everything I hear, the rewards greatly outweigh the hassle. I hope that you get to be a mom someday. I can see you being radiantly happy with with that.

    • shannonhumphreys says:

      This was all, of course, meant to be tongue-in-cheek. This will be my third child, and I’m deliriously happy to be having her. There has never been a moment where I thought I wouldn’t gladly go through it all again in a heartbeat. I have friends and family members who couldn’t have children, and I think it’s absolutely heart breaking.

      That being said, my son is going through a “special time” right now, which involves him never NOT talking, not listening to a word I say, sticking his tongue out and being physically violent towards his dad. Last night he got so bad that I turned to my husband and said, “Can you believe we’re making another one of these… on purpose?” Really, he’s an awesome kid (usually), but I guess it just goes to show there is ALWAYS something to complain about.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] of boards all the time, then move on and forget about them for months or, sometimes, years.  In my current condition I am partial to pregnancy/parenting forums, and I post on a good number of them.  One thing that [...]

  2. [...] the site began. She’s blogged for Ms. Behaved about in life in the UK as an American expat, the ups and downs of parenting, Euro football hotties,  and she even live-blogged the batshit insane Eurovision song contest for [...]

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